The great American pasttime

Men look at staple guns and think of sex. I look at staple guns and think of baseball. Most women frame their lives by what they wore. Pivotal moments can be summoned in seconds if you just jog their memory with something like, "Yellow cashmere, donna karan skirt, chanel perfume." Or sometimes even the song that was playing on the radio can do it.

I remember who the Yankees were playing.

I liken my jeans to the starting pitching rotation. This was a rebuilding year, definitely. I used to have 2 go-to pairs and 3 crappy pairs. But now I have 2 ace starters (for general power nights), my Tanyon Sturtze long-relief jeans (a solid choice for any occasion), and my Mariano jeans (for must-win date scenarios.)

I hate sports metaphors and yet I'm like a walking cliche. Except for the fact that I get inexplicably enraged when people use the expression "come on! step up to the plate!" Because people say it to mean "take the initiative, be brave, etc etc." BUT WHEN A BATTER STEPS UP TO THE PLATE IT'S BECAUSE IT'S HIS TURN! HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE. Ok, I guess you could argue he has somewhat of a choice. He could just crack open a beer and say to hell with this, and then turn his batting helmet into one of those frat boy beer hats with the tubes. But seriously. When was the last time you heard Tim McCarver say, "Delgado's on deck. God, you gotta admit, this guy just is FEARLESS. Look at him! I mean, he's already taking practice swings, and I tell you, this is a guy who truly knows what it means to step up to the plate." Actually I could see someone saying that about Jeter: "HOLY SHIT IT'S A GRAND SLAM BY A ROOKIE FOR CHRISSAKE! HIS FIRST AT BAT! BUT LOOK OVER AT THE BATTING BOX AND IT'S NO SUPRISE HERE WHO THE REAL HERO OF THE NIGHT IS! DEREK JETER, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, IS ALREADY GETTING READY TO TAKE HIS AT BAT. THIS IS A HALL OF FAMER RIGHT HERE, FOLKS." I may have heard that scenario I think because as I was typing it, I realized it didn't sound that far-fetched.

31 days til opening day. I may or may not implode just thinking about it. I get chills even. But I've been getting chills a lot lately. I was listening to this bizarro techno mix thing that used all these clips from the 2000 subway series, and I was getting chills. Then that song from the end of Teen Wolf came on (Wiiiiiiiin in the endddd, I'm gonna win in the end!) and I got chills again. Basically I can get chills from anything from The O.C. to hearing We Are the Champions to watching reruns of old opening days on espn classic (I could understand playoff classics, opening days is pushing it). So now I think maybe I'm just always really cold? I wonder if when baseball starts I'll warm up. Sounds like a good movie premise to me. The story of one girl who spent all winter being cold and emotionless and then her icy exterior melted when baseball season started again. And she meets a guy during baseball season and they start dating but the big conflict is what happens in November when the season's over? Will their love be strong enough to survive "THE OFFSEASON: The Winter of Her Discontent"?? That has lifetime movie of the week written all over it.

My cat Mariano Rivera is sleeping, and he's clearly having a nightmare. (ooohh, he can be my sidekick in the movie, like a barometer of my emotions!). He keeps twitching and stuff. I wonder if that's what real Mo does in the bullpen when he's sleeping during the game.