Intern Obsessed

I'm obsessed with this ESPN intern contest. I think because I'm still baffled that I didn't get picked as a finalist! It's kind of like how in that movie Spellbound when all the home-schooled weirdos that lost were shaking their fists at the cruel gods of fate, like, "I can't believe I lost on apotropaic!! I KNEW all the words after that, too! It should've been me! ME, I TELL YOU!" Only I don't smell my hands before I apply for jobs. The application that never made it, but clearly should have:

Remember in Primal Fear when Ed Norton (Aaron) originally claims “someone else was in that room!” only for Richard Gere to later theorize that the “other person” was a manifestation (“Roy”) of Norton’s seeming multiple personality disorder? I’ve been collecting evidence towards a similar hypothesis of mine, and the intern contest just handed me the trump card in this case.

You better get yourself a lawyer.

On the afternoon of January 7, the Intern published his "Emails of the Week" One particular email questioned the Intern’s faceless anonymity: “How come you don’t get a headshot like everyone else?” Now, exactly one month to the day, a pursuit of a new intern CONVENIENTLY ensues. Clearly, the investigation into the true identity of The Intern made someone sweat. Maybe that’s why “Jamie Agin” is Simmons’s “Lois Einhorn.”

I knew I had you when I read, “Please don’t try to write like me.” First of all, slow your roll, T. Wolfe. Secondly, are we to believe you and the intern didn’t share a similar (at the very least) writing style?

Sidebar: I feel like you’re that chick in college who is “in love” with every hot guy, and when her sorority sister tries to make out with one of them, the chick says, “I HAD DIBS ON HIM FIRST!” Point being, the Unintentional Comedy Scale piece alone “placed dibs” on every topic in existence. It was like the fraternity house of columns. Listen, you don’t have a have a monopoly on lotion/basket jokes. Speaking of, where does “Please don’t try to write like me” fall on the Unintentional Comedy Scale?

Your anagrams are showing, Dr. Lector. “Jamie Agin”? I played around with it as soon as you threw out this name. The first thought, obviously, was “Game Ninja.” And it would be perfect if there were another “n” and one less “i.” Like the old saying goes, “There my not be an ‘I’ in TEAM, but there’s an extra N and a shortage of I’s in INTERN.”

Finkle. Einhorn. Finkle. Einhorn. I had the proverbial dog-sitting-on-my-newspaper-cracks-case-of–identities-moment when it came to me. “I JAM IN AGE,” aka “I’ve invented a persona to fulfill my youthful, impish self-indulgences.”

There never was an Aaron, (ie Intern), was there? “Intent to deceive” is illegal in California.

I’m willing to settle out of court.