Boston Fans Subscribe to Own Nicknames

BOSTON (April 14) – After being routed by their sworn enemy the Yankees, Boston declared April 13 as the date for the collective recognition that both the Red Sox franchise and their fans are, in fact, idiots.

The decision came after a 5-2 loss with Schilling fizzling out just in time for the New York bullpen to plug up Boston’s bats. Mariano Rivera, who accepted his faceious standing ovation at Fenway with hallmark charisma and grace, capped off the evening with a quick and scoreless 9th inning.

“I’m going to have a take a page from Schilling’s book when I say, ‘Nothing makes me happier than shutting up 35,000 fans in Boston,” said Rivera.

Sparkling middle relief performances from Sturtze and Gordon had Sox fans scratching their heads, with the dumbfounded confusion continuing as Rivera finished them off.

Said one Fenway Faithful, “I don’t get it. I thought we owned Rivera! Hell, I even said his career was dead after the second loss. I just don’t get it…”

Another fan echoed these sentiments, “What’s going on? I thought blowing 2 regular season saves in the first week of baseball automatically means you go from fame to shame!”

Despite this particular fan’s ability to rhyme, he later admitted. “Gosh, I guess we ARE idiots. And not in the fun-loving, jokester kind of way. Just plain old imbeciles.” Laughing, he went on, “Well, I’d guess we have to be to think we could ever touch the Yankees again!”

Boston officials met behind closed doors to discuss the future of the franchise image, as well as what type of reception Rivera should receive the next time New York plays in Fenway.

“We’re all a little shaken up, here” General Manager Theo Epstein remarked. “I think it’s important we focus now on exactly what type of public image we want to project. Are we still America’s underdogs? Are we idiots or defending champs? Is Rivera revered or mocked? These are the types of questions we’re hoping to have answers for by the time the 3rd week of the season rolls around.”

Bill Simmons, self-proclaimed spokesman for Red Sox Nation, could not be reached for comment. His wife, who prefers to remain nameless, did say that her husband was currently in "the lab, conjuring up a new spin to why the Yankees still suck."

As usual, Yankee players had little to say about the outcome of the game. When asked about what this suggested about the dynamic between the Red Sox and his ace closer, Manager Joe Torre commented, “Are you serious? It’s the 8th game of the season.”

The Yankees appeared to be nonplussed as they exited the stadium. Captain Derek Jeter shrugged off the game, as is typical for the eerily confident shortstop, “People keep saying, ‘Mo’s back!’ You know, he was never gone. God, he’s a future Hall-of-Famer. You’d have to be an idiot to write off his talent as anything less.”

And now as of April 13, Boston fans will officially accept that, indeed, this is what they truly are. Nothing more.