Well, they printed my article. Who doesn't like spring training? Oh boy, on America's Next Top Model, there's this lesbo girl on it and as if being branded for the season as "The Lesbo" wasn't bad enough, she has a flesh-eating bacteria on her face. I'm going to go ahead and say that's probably the affliction you want if you're competing in a model contest. Do you think the producers put the strain of bacteria in her bed or something? Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised. I could see Tyra and Co. stealthily sneaking into lesbo's room with little eyedroppers and maybe one of the nice producers was like, "Um guys I don't feel right about this. She's already so butch to begin with." And then Tyra was like, "She needs to deal. A model needs to learn to get thicker skin." And then some Chandler-like cameraman says, "Well that's going to be hard when her skin is falling off! HAHAHAHAHA!" No one knows whether to laugh until they look at Tyra and she shakes her head indicating this is over her head, and hence not funny.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that happened.
So I auditioned for this bartending thing last night. It felt like my freshman year of college when I took a sorority bid and got hazed. They had like 50 people show up for this "Open Call" and then everyone got a number, and they'd call 3 numbers. Those 3 had to get behind the bar and wait on the bar's staff while they barked drink orders at you. They were "seeing how you could handle stress while interacting with customers." Sweet Christ. I also had NO idea how to make any drinks, and I wasn't about to compensate by jumping up and dancing on the bar. (Yeah, of course there were dirty stayouts resorting to this tactic.) They asked for like a Red headed slut shot, and I think I improvised by making shots with kahlua, raspberry stoli, coke, ameretto, and vanilla stoli. It tasted like ass. Surprisingly.
But afterwards one of the owners or managers or whatever came up and was like, "Youre in." The manager, by the way, looks like he's 9 years old. He's adorable but seriously. Dude looks like he just popped out of the womb yesterday and used cocktail shakers for baby toys because he handles liquor bottles like Chris Paul moves around the court.
My birthday party is manana! WOOHOO!!! I watched field of dreams when I got back home from the bar. I have a million questions about that movie. I think these were the result of being hammered, but I was still perplexed by the fact that when shoeless joe wants Ray to pitch, why Ray says, "We don't have a catcher." Yeah, that's what I would do if the apparition of a baseball legend wanted to have batting practice in my back yard. Rules are rules, you know? I'm not pitching to ANYONE if there's no catcher. And why did Ray's wife have so little beef with her husband making the field? If my husband and I were eating dinner and between chewing on his lamb chops he said, "By the way, I'm thinking of building a stadium in the farm so we can accomodate some of these ghosts that I've been chatting with lately," I would have more of a reaction that "Okay!" Actually, who am I kidding, I would probably ask if there was a catcher first.