grumble grumble

In old school Nintendo Zelda, there's this labyrinth thing that you have to get through, and when you walk into a room there's this creature who just says "grumble grumble," and the secret to getting past him is feeding him ENEMY BAIT. Awesome. Anyways, so ever since I first played that game when I was a kid, I started saying "grumble grumble." Just putting that out there.

And now the grumble grumble is referring to the fact it's friday night, 11:45pm, and I just got back from work like 2 hours ago. And now I'm too tired to go out. I did get a bonus this week though, which was hot like summer. So maybe I should just take my lumps here, and pass out, and stop grumble grumbling.

I'm half-watching Jerry McGuire. This movie makes me so uncomfortable. Like the type of uncomfortable that occurred when my sister at 16 years old rented Requiem for a Dream and watched it with my mom. My mom called me the next day and said she was so uneasy the whole time, so I asked her why she let her rent it:

"I thought it was a movie about boxing!"

Which basically is like answering "Why is there silly putty spread all across your apt?" with "I thought it was play-doh!" But maybe it makes sense a little, the idea of my mom wanting to watch a movie about boxing, because she's like surreptiously quite knowledgeable in sports. You wouldn't know it, but she rolls up randomly with hardcore sports trivia out of nowhere. Like the Silent Bob of sports. She is also inexplicably strong and has a bizarrely high alcohol tolerance even though she has about 1 bottle of wine a year. But the few times I've seen her drink, like when she'd be coerced into it by other parents during Parents Weekend at school, she threw back shots like they were Hi-C.

I still can't figure out why Jerry McGuire was such a good movie. I hate Rene Zelwegger, and just watching her makes me twitch. I just don't get why the plot is any good. Seriously, is "you had me at hello" that good a line? I've heard better. I think this movie is like a really paled sports version of As Good As It Gets. If that makes any sense. Actually, it REALLY reminds me of the last episode of Sex and the City. How Carrie ends up with Big in the end. How is this gratifying? They broke up and got back together every other season, and every time he said he was a changed man, he would dick her over. So how are we the audience to believe that after the final episode, Big didn't dick her over again? He definitely did. These are the questions I need answers to. Similarly, how is it gratifing that Jerry and Dorothy end up together? The best part of that whole movie was...I don't know. I was going to say the end zone dance in the final minutes but eh.

I am so damn tired. And I have so much to say about the conclusion of the Sports Guy's Intern Contest, but I think work has sufficiently drained me this week. I'll give it the old college try though.

Basically, every day Simmons gives me a new reason never to read Page 2 anymore. Now that only do I refuse to read his sports columns (intern contest doesn't count, back off, antagonists), but now he's allegedly hiring the first runner up in his Intern contest to write for ESPN. This chick, Theresa MacDonald, has earned a spot next to my old boss in the All-Star car wreck team. Not only does she look like Nikki from the Saved by the Bell episodes with Miss Bliss, but she tries so hard, that she makes Rudy Ruedicker look like a slacker.

I was so happy when I found out she didn't win, but that was only a fleeting moment of joy because now apparently, she somehow is getting to write a column for ESPN. But that's actually probably a good thing because I don't think ESPN.com has enough schticky Boston fan writers. And by "not enough," I mean that if there were anymore they would be legally permitted to develop their own form of currency.

I mean, tell me this isn't bitingly original work right here: (on an ESPN article entitled "86 Reasons to Hate the Red Sox") "Jealously rears its ugly head!"

How I supposed to ever cultivate a tolerance for RSN if there are people like Theresa MacDonald walking around? It's like how there are some judges who are especially hard on defendants apprehended for drug dealing or drunk driving, because the judge doesn't like the idea of his kids being on the same streets as these degenerates. I'm just not comfortable walking on the same coastline as this girl. This is the type of chick who I would probably destroy in college. Actually, this is exactly the type.

I was telling my buddy the other day that I've mellowed out in the last year or two, but there are certain things that will get me uncontrollably fired up, no matter what, no matter how old and mellow I get:
The Yanks
My family
Chicks

(And by yanks and family, I mean fired up in a very protective, defensive way. With chicks, it's more offensive.)

I wasn't like a "Mean Girl" who terrorized the losers. I was just unnervingly skeptical of girls who pigeonholed themselves as "just one of the guys! I can drink any dude under the table, I say 'fuck' a lot, I don't give a shit what people think about me, I just say what I mean, you know? I'm just crazy like that." Hate chicks like that. HATE. Because they are so transparent. There's always someone like this on the Real World. Some chick who is like, "I'm soooo not about committment." And then like clockwork [orange], she's sleeping with the frat boy from Texas in the first week and then crying ad naseum infinitum in her confessionals about how he flirts with other girls in clubs.

You don't find good looking girls doing this type of thing much. If they do, it is not to a sickening extent. Attractive girls don't need to perpetuate this whole "I'm like a dude in a chick's body!" mentality, because they don't need to.

Theresa MacDonald, of course, does not fall into said category of aesthetically appealing females. Boy, I'm being kind of harsh. What did she ever do to me? Nothing, I know. But that doesn't detract from the fact one day I will have kids who may have her as a busdriver or something. Plus, I can tell she is kind of bitchy. How, you ask? Same philosophy as above. My mom, sister, and I have talked about this. Pretty girls aren't nasty because they have no reason to be. They're not threatened by anyone. Ugly girls are bitter. The worst are girls who were once ugly and then became pretty, because they're trying to wreak revenge on the female race. So if you ever meet a hot chick on the street who starts sizing you up, rest assured she was once hanging out on the steps with Miss MacDonald during recess, gingerly nimbling on twinkies, compulsively straightening their glasses, and itching their poison ivy.

I just know these things. It's a gift.